1601 Pennsylvania Avenue
27 June 2015
Theodore Roosevelt, twenty-sixth president of the United States, sits in the drawing room, reading The Washington Post.
Roosevelt: Oh, blessed relief. HEY! HEY, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A NEAR-SIGHTED, BRITTLE-BONED FOOTBALL TEAM! TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!
Ulysses Grant, eighteenth president of the United States, strides into the room trailing a cloud of dust.
Abraham Lincoln, sixteenth president of the United States, bangs his head on the low chandelier.
A herald of cherubs blow their trumpets. George Washington, first president of the United States, enters the room.
Lincoln: General, as I have repeatedly reminded you, there are no pickets outside our residence. There is no more war.
Grant: There's always a war inside a man.
Lincoln: Perhaps. But those of us outside said man are deaf to the cannonade. Colonel Roosevelt, can you elaborate on your previous summons?
Roosevelt: SUMMONS? HELL MAN, I WAS BELLOWING! THE STICK-ARMED "MEN" IN THIS TOWN FINALLY DECIDED WHO THEY'RE GOING TO REMOVE FROM THE CURRENCY TO MAKE ROOM FOR A FEMALE!
Grant: Don't hold back the information, man. Who is it?
Roosevelt: NONE OF YOU CREAMPUFFS!
Washington: Watching you, I know the emotions St. Peter would feel upon discovering a baboon squatting upon his seat.
The trumpets blare.
Roosevelt: HA! THE HUMOR IS ON YOU, MY FRIEND. I LIKE KILLING BABOONS!
Grant: Did you just threaten us?
Roosevelt: NO, MY GOOD MAN, I DID NOT! I BOISTRIOUSLY POINTED OUT THAT I ENJOY MURDERING HUMAN-LIKE CREATURES FOR SPORT! IT IS A MERE RECITATION OF THE FACTS! BUT NEVER MIND THIS! YOU THREE WILL REMAIN ON THE FACE OF THE REPUBLIC'S CURRENCY!
Washington: Poor Ben. He can no longer avail himself of his French whores to soften the blow.
Roosevelt: NOT HIM, EITHER!
Washington: Alex? Really? I struggle to the find the appropriate Roman general comparison to laude him with.
Roosevelt: HE'S OUT! FOR A WOMEN! HELL'S BELLS! I COULD SNAP A ZEBRA'S NECK WITH MY BARE HANDS!
Lincoln: Because you're so angry?
Lincoln: This reminds me of an amusing anecdote. Once on a farm in Kentucky, just north of the Tennessee border, I reckon, a farmer plowed his field. His horse was advanced in years, but did a fine job. A peddler of trinkets and insignificant goods came along, offering said trinkets and baubles. The farmer was both busy and not interested in trivial things. Then, the peddler offered to trade horses. Why would you want my older, worn horse, asked the farmer. It's a funny story, the peddler replied. Coming down this road, I noticed a stump in your field. Curious, I wandered over to the stump and -
Roosevelt: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TALKING OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT A WINDOW!
Grant: And I'll help.
Lincoln: So noted, Colonel. General.
As Washington moves to sit down, the cherubs pull out a chair and dust it off for him.
Washington: Are we here merely to observe as you pontificate, Colonel?
Lincoln: Good night.
Grant: Good night.
Washington: Good night.
The angelic chorus grows quiet as Washington leaves the room.
Roosevelt: HA! DO THEY STILL PUBLISH "FAMILY CIRCUS" I WONDER?