From time to time, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue will ask house residents their greatest regrets during their time in office. A literal apology is not required. We leave that to the discretion of the ex-president. Today’s ex-president: Franklin Roosevelt.
Franklin Roosevelt: Bullet proof. I am mother f–king bullet proof. And that doesn’t count the time Johnny Ola tried to kill me.
I assumed the moral authority to fundamentally change the relationship between citizens and their government in a manner unseen since the Civil War. I employed a nakedly political strategy to alter the membership of the Supreme Court so they could rubber stamp my agenda. I feigned association with the Common Man when my idea of privation is Sunday brunch without strawberries and cream. I spit in the face of the hallowed two-term only tradition established by George Washington himself. Many historians now argue my shotgun blast of economic recovery programs actually extended the Depression in the United States as other industrialized nations emerged from the calamity.
And for all of this I’m lionized because I gave toothless morons jobs digging holes in Yosemite Park and let Churchill beat me in Hearts during WWII. Statues, airports, elementary schools. If I were alive at this moment, do you think I’d ever handle a dime? Possibly, if only to flick them at Latins.
But the real evidence I’m bullet proof? I ordered over 70,000 Americans into concentration camps because their skin color was different than mine.
Baseball executives were cashiered from public life for less crimes.
Look, look. Here is a quote from a collection of essays from prominent historians profiling each president. Here is the sum total of what some broad named Susan Ware wrote about me throwing over 100,000 people into concentration camps because their physical features were different than mine (Just like Uncle Adolf!)
“Less playfully, [Roosevelt] acquiesced in the internment of approximately 112,000 Japanese Americans despite the lack of any evidence of disloyalty or sedition on their part.”
That’s it! One sentence! I “acquiesced!” One of the five most powerful presidents in history and I let some cracker general from Texas twist my arm? Wrong, lady. I chose to throw them in the camps. I had to focus on Europe. I didn’t have time to worry about a Yellow knife plunged into my back.
Could you image the outrage if Nixon had thrown one hippie into jail because he didn’t like the color of the flower in his hair?
But yeah, I guess I’m sorry. Whatever.
My great-grandchildren will now swim in a kiddie pool full of shiny metal coins bearing my likeness.
BULLET. PROOF.
Tags: Apologies, Democrat Racists, FDR, Seriously where is the outrage?, Why is he a hero again?