[night blankets the nation's capital. a quartet sit in front of a raging fire. though raucous moments ago, the hungry hungry hippos are now silent.]
Lyndon Johnson: So get this. This little New England shit asks me to be his vice president. I would push kids like him over railings in the Senate office building. “Lyna-don,” he says in that accent you’d swear is fake if you didn’t know better. “Ahh-merica needs us to work ta-gether for the good a the country.” This pisser, whose daddy bought him everything he thought he earned, had the rocks to ask me to do him a favor.
Millard Fillmore: Why did you take the job?
Johnson: Access to an unlimited supply of A&W Root Beer.
Fillmore: For real?
Johnson: No, you idiot. He needed Southern votes. So those photographers of his had excellent telephoto lenses. I thought nobody could see me and the pig.
Harry Truman: Gosh, that’s awful.
Johnson: Don’t knock it until you try it.
Gerald Ford: Lemme ask you guys something. Did your Chief ever come into the room naked?
Fillmore: Yep.
Truman: Unfortunately, yes.
Johnson: Nine times. Twice I was already naked before he arrived.
Ford: How did you – [stares at Johnson for 30 awkward seconds] – how did you get out of the situation?
Truman: I faked a heart attack. I felt bad about it, but I did it.
Fillmore: I ran out of the room. Thankfully, he died of gastroenteritis before we had another conversation.
Truman: That’s a shame.
Fillmore: Not if you had to listen to him talk, it’s not. He’s the only president to mispronounce “dog.”
Johnson: All I had to do was shout, “Jack, I think I hear Jackie’s helicopter!” Boom, I had those Georgetown girls all to myself.
Truman: Can I ask you guys something … secret?
Johnson: Shoot, hayseed.
Truman: While you were Number Two — nah.
Fillmore: What?
Truman: Never mind.
Johnson: Out with it, haberdasher.
Truman: Nope.
Ford: I will body slam you. Spill it.
Truman: Did you wish your Chief would die so, you know, you could take his job?
Fillmore: It is cold in Washington, DC in winter. Pipes burst and sometimes water freezes outside the White House.
Ford: You didn’t have indoor plumbing in the 1840’s.
Fillmore: Burst pipes. Tipped over water pitchers. Same difference.
Truman: Jeepers.
Fillmore: “Jeepers.” C’mon. You never hoped those brakes gave out on that wheelchair?
Truman: No, of course not.
[the assembled stare incredulously at Truman.]
Truman: Okay! Okay! I did it! I did it! I killed Roosevelt! Curse your fiendish eyes! He was old and I wanted to sit at those big tables and eat those sweet, sweet oranges! So what if I paid somebody to leave all the windows open in the White House during dinner!
Johnson: [mumbles] I wish I had thought of that.
Truman: I wanted to nuke those Nips! I didn’t want that gimp to get all the glory!
Johnson: But why did you invade North Korea?
Truman: They all look alike to me.
Johnson: I feel that same about tits.
Tags: VP Bitch Fest, Warm Bucket of Piss