From time to time, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue will ask house residents their greatest regrets during their time in office. A literal apology is not required. We leave that to the discretion of the ex-president. Today’s ex-president: James Buchanan.
James Buchanan: Certainly, reasonable men can agree that the culmination of the long-unresolved sectional disagreement was … unfortunate. The aforementioned conflict was a boon to amputee assistance device manufacturers in both the North and South. That … that was a commonality.
Perhaps I was in error for conspiring with a Supreme Court justice from my native Pennsylvania to rule against that runaway slave, what was his name? Scott, or something. And maybe — just maybe — it was wrong to allow members of my Cabinet to relocate stocks of federal arms to Southern states on the eve of secession. And I’ll concede blaming my fellow northerners for the ills of sectional discord was a poor choice.
I apologize for these errors I committed during my presidency.
I apologize because these measures didn’t go far enough.
I hate America. I hate stupid, smelly, stinky, fat, farty America.
I’m sorry the Union won the war. I’m sorry I didn’t do enough to assist the Confederacy.
I should have enslaved every Irishman in New York, every Polack in Buffalo.
I should have surrendered Baltimore to Jefferson Davis.
I should have made grits the National Meal.
I hate snow.
I like people serving me lemonade under the penalty of whipping.
I get hard off the idea of sub-units of the national authority disregarding laws because I didn’t compliment the governor on his fine collection of hunting decoys and thus pissed him off.
Who needs railroads, or a Navy? Not me.
Look at the mess that followed the War — the automobile, Facebook, female suffrage, the Interstate Highway System and Bruce Springsteen.
All crap.
I’m sorry I did not do more to prevent this nightmare.
Please accept my apology.
Tags: FAIL, Watch out for those Columbus Blue Jackets, Worst President Ever