Grover Cleveland: Shoot me. Right in the face.
Right in the GOD. DAMN. FACE.
In the Face
September 14th, 2009Buffalo to be buffaloed
September 13th, 2009
Grover Cleveland: Hmm. This news bodes ills for my beloved but vexing Queen City thrashabouts. A highly thought about left tackle sent to the City of Brotherly Face-Punching because the owner is afraid our negro president favors free silver currency.
I think that was the reason, anyway.
Then, his replacement is unceremoniously cut less than a week before a contest against their most feared rival? Why don’t they hire a Swede or Chinaman to protect Leader Edwards blind side? Oh my. I fear this season of contests will be most disheartening. I believe my earlier optimism was overstated. Below is a list I’d rather experience than this upcoming season of Buffalo Bills football:
- Pizza without pepperoni
- Female suffrage
- A future without coal
- Dental surgery with a katana blade
- Exercise
Buffalo finishes the season at 4-12. The British destruction of the city in 1814 will be less a disaster than this season.
Twitter Trails: White_Bread
September 7th, 2009
I should be offended by somebody using the term “Brosef Goebbels” as a term of endearment in a movie. But I’m not.
about 2 hours ago from the web.
Why Fight Only Dogs?
August 15th, 2009
Grover Cleveland: I firmly hoped that the local football club would employ that Vick chap who was so full of mayhem. Alas, the Philadelphia club has engaged my wishes. Time for them to book their train tickets to Florida! I hear Miami is lovely that time of year, though filthy with Latins and children of Moses.
I cannot fathom the disconcertion caused by his staging of canine exhibitions. While mayor of the Queen City I encouraged our fair citizens to fight their creatures of earned husbandry in contest of mortal peril. Look at this splendid measure of Buffalo masculinity:
He looks like a gentleman who would enjoy pitting his animal stock — a rabid lamb, perhaps — against his neighbors’ stock. I think he’s more concerned about winning contests of sport. The spilling of blood is likely a minor concern.
Ducks, perhaps. Ducks would be a better animal to fight.
Once completed, their feathers would make fine bedding.
The Bills will achieve a 6-10 record due to lack of a quality offensive and defensive line.
Presidential Apology: Internment Camps
August 7th, 2009
From time to time, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue will ask house residents their greatest regrets during their time in office. A literal apology is not required. We leave that to the discretion of the ex-president. Today’s ex-president: Franklin Roosevelt.
Franklin Roosevelt: Bullet proof. I am mother f–king bullet proof. And that doesn’t count the time Johnny Ola tried to kill me.
I assumed the moral authority to fundamentally change the relationship between citizens and their government in a manner unseen since the Civil War. I employed a nakedly political strategy to alter the membership of the Supreme Court so they could rubber stamp my agenda. I feigned association with the Common Man when my idea of privation is Sunday brunch without strawberries and cream. I spit in the face of the hallowed two-term only tradition established by George Washington himself. Many historians now argue my shotgun blast of economic recovery programs actually extended the Depression in the United States as other industrialized nations emerged from the calamity.
And for all of this I’m lionized because I gave toothless morons jobs digging holes in Yosemite Park and let Churchill beat me in Hearts during WWII. Statues, airports, elementary schools. If I were alive at this moment, do you think I’d ever handle a dime? Possibly, if only to flick them at Latins.
But the real evidence I’m bullet proof? I ordered over 70,000 Americans into concentration camps because their skin color was different than mine.
Twitter Trails: Hooterville
August 1st, 2009
Be careful where you build your shantytown. More and more trains travel at night these days.
about 4 hours ago from web
Twitter Trails: Race_Warrior
July 12th, 2009
My favorite part of Tropic Thunder: the blackface.
about 3 hours ago from web
The Replacements
June 30th, 2009[night blankets the nation's capital. a quartet sit in front of a raging fire. though raucous moments ago, the hungry hungry hippos are now silent.]
Lyndon Johnson: So get this. This little New England shit asks me to be his vice president. I would push kids like him over railings in the Senate office building. “Lyna-don,” he says in that accent you’d swear is fake if you didn’t know better. “Ahh-merica needs us to work ta-gether for the good a the country.” This pisser, whose daddy bought him everything he thought he earned, had the rocks to ask me to do him a favor.
Millard Fillmore: Why did you take the job?
Johnson: Access to an unlimited supply of A&W Root Beer.
Fillmore: For real?
Johnson: No, you idiot. He needed Southern votes. So those photographers of his had excellent telephoto lenses. I thought nobody could see me and the pig.
Harry Truman: Gosh, that’s awful.
Johnson: Don’t knock it until you try it.
Gerald Ford: Lemme ask you guys something. Did your Chief ever come into the room naked?
Twitter Trails: I<3Checkers
June 23rd, 2009
Rocky Road ice cream is delicious. And it makes me think of Christmas.
about two hours ago via iPhone
Presidential Apology: Disunion
June 16th, 2009From time to time, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue will ask house residents their greatest regrets during their time in office. A literal apology is not required. We leave that to the discretion of the ex-president. Today’s ex-president: James Buchanan.
James Buchanan: Certainly, reasonable men can agree that the culmination of the long-unresolved sectional disagreement was … unfortunate. The aforementioned conflict was a boon to amputee assistance device manufacturers in both the North and South. That … that was a commonality.
Perhaps I was in error for conspiring with a Supreme Court justice from my native Pennsylvania to rule against that runaway slave, what was his name? Scott, or something. And maybe — just maybe — it was wrong to allow members of my Cabinet to relocate stocks of federal arms to Southern states on the eve of secession. And I’ll concede blaming my fellow northerners for the ills of sectional discord was a poor choice.
I apologize for these errors I committed during my presidency.
I apologize because these measures didn’t go far enough.